Oooohhhh! What does that question bring up for you? Many many things from one simple question? Or does it bring clarity? This is such an interesting topic for me..
Fear you see has been a constant companion in my life. Fear that I wouldn’t fit in, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being invisible, fear that I wasn’t good enough, fear that I wouldn’t be liked, fear that I would hurt another with my words, fear that I would be misunderstood, fear that I’d fail.. this list could go on and on.
There was one fear though that was a game change in every way. FEAR OF CHANGE. This fear was the one thing that overshadowed all the rest. There was a long time in my life when I would rather remain stuck behind the wall of fears listed above than change anything. I would rather remain in a life where I pleased everyone else, where I swallowed my words, my emotions, my thoughts, where I lived a lie than step into any change. Change you see represented the unknown. Somehow I took comfort in the lie that was my life, I knew the rules, shut up about my needs, made sure everyone around me was happy, gave my power away to anyone who wanted it, was happy in the energy of victim and comfortable in not take responsibility for anything around me. Somehow this was easier than taking a breath and shocking those around me with what I really thought.
This was so disempowering not only for me but for the people in my life. No one really knew me, because I didn’t know me and I didn’t express my own truth in any way so I never gave anyone the opportunity to see me or my truth in life.
The Universe became impatient with me, from somewhere deep in my unconscious it heard my spirit crying out for help. That help came in the shape of another chance encounter. An encounter with a Soul Mate, one that came to push me to change, one who reminded me what it was like to be alive and one that made me face the fear of change and do it anyway. Nothing came of that meeting going forward but the ripples of it are still being felt in my life today, 12 years later.
This person was a huge catalyst in my life. If I can describe eyes meeting across a crowded room and as the French would say a ‘coup de foudre’, thunderbolt, love at first sight feeling then this description wouldn’t be enough to convey the depth of the emotion that came flooding into me. There is no explanation for it, I knew without doubt that this person I’d never seen before was the most important person I’d ever seen in my life. I was flooded with heat, a fire, an urgency and a realisation that time was running out. I was the most afraid I’d ever been, yet I knew I was going to do it, I was going to change, I wanted to feel life and be true to what was inside.
I wanted to be me, I wanted to fail, I wanted to succeed, I wanted to love, I wanted to laugh, and I wanted to cry tears based on emotion not victim.
For the first time I realised I was living a life where I was afraid to be me, that I’d buried the real me, the true me deep down inside of myself because of fear of not being good enough to receive love.
It took a bit of time, but I did change everything.